Preface: Being LDS, I have drawn my quotes from LDS church leaders. There are many great talks from the leaders of the church, but I used only two. Please feel free to read them in their entirety and also to search for others. It’s worth the time!
No marriage is perfect. Marriage is not easy. It takes
hard work and continual improvement. No one person is the perfect partner.
It is so easy to place blame on the other person in a relationship;
it’s easy to point out every little thing they need to be better at. But how
often do we ask ourselves, “What can I improve upon?” or “How can I be better
for my spouse?”
Have you ever thought possibly the reason why your partner
does certain things is because you enable it?
How often is something (whether tangible or intangible) not completed by
your spouse and you get upset with them? Perhaps it’s not them that didn’t
complete the task or action, but rather you who didn’t allow it.
In a talk, “Nurturing Marriage,” by Elder Russell M.
Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in the LDS Church, in the April
2006 General Conference, he spoke of a married couple on a plane. The wife was
gently stroking her husband’s neck, showing affection, while her husband paid
no attention and was deeply involved in his electronic device. Wouldn’t it be
ironic if this husband were constantly complaining of his wife not showing
physical affection? Maybe it’s not that she didn’t show affection, but that it wasn’t
on his time. So over time, perhaps the wife stopped trying because he pushed
her away. He enabled the action of her not showing affection.
This principle can be applied to many scenarios. But just
think for a minute of the things that annoy or bother you about your partner (I
know we can all think of something). Ask yourself, “Did I enable that behavior?”
In that same talk by Elder Nelson, he said, “Marriage
brings greater possibilities for happiness than does any other human
relationship. Yet some married couples fall short of their full potential. They
let their romance become rusty, take each other for granted, allow other
interests or clouds of neglect to obscure the vision of what their marriage
really could be. Marriages would be happier if nurtured more carefully.”
Another question to ask yourself: “Did I enable the
behavior because I allowed my marriage to become ‘rusty’?”
Dating and courting can be exciting. Flirting and physical
affection, among other things, are great ways to keep that “spark” alive. But
it’s easy to let life get in the way of the relationship that matters most.
In his talk, “Marriage: Watch and Learn,” Elder L. Whitney
Clayton said, “Both the husband and wife “leave behind their single life and
establish their marriage as [their] first priority. … They allow no other
person or interest to have greater priority …’”
Although we need to leave behind our single lives when we
find a partner, it doesn’t mean it has to be boring. Share the excitement. Take
interest in each other’s hobbies or discover new things to do together. You
don’t need to be the “boring, married couple” that people so often imply.
It’s important that we nourish our relationships; marriage
is the most sacred union.
We all need to take a step back and self-reflect.
Elder Clayton also said, “Spouses who regularly conduct
honest self-examination and promptly take needed steps to repent and improve
experience a healing balm in their marriages. Repentance helps restore and
maintain harmony and peace… “…Humility means that both husbands and wives seek
to bless, help, and lift each other, putting the other first in every
decision.”
Let us focus on the changes we need to make and not the
changes we think our spouse needs to make.
